I’ve grown to not mind the tremors so much. They are annoying yes, inconvenient yes, make me spill my coffee every morning. People have commented on them- am I okay? Cold? Do I feel okay? I just explain its a side effect of (several) medications. It makes me hard to do simple basic tasks like cut things out or trace pictures (things I used to do to make poetry books). Sometimes when I’m knitting I can’t even hold my yarn properly. I also am forbidden from chopping vegetables because I could slip and cut off a finger. But the thing that hurts the most, the most painful thing these tremors have done to me is the effect it has had on my voice.
I’ve been singing since I could speak. People would tell me I was a good singer but I thought they were just saying that until I started doing musical theater and started getting roles. I loved karaoke, I joined my church choir, I did everything I could to express this outlet. When I was about fourteen I started playing piano and singing along to it. I loved that feeling. Mastering a song through my voice and my fingers. I usually was too shy to play in front of people but for my last birthday my amazing cousin Mary-Kate got me a tripod so I could film myself.
Here’s the thing though: these tremors are not limited to just physical aspects of my body. They have also affected my voice. It tremors and warbles like a bird stuck with an arrow. My voice used to be strong, hitting every note directly. Now its unsure, a baby still toddling in it’s infancy, perhaps a little afraid to walk. I will it, I beg it, to hit the notes like it used to. But I can’t. It’s like my voice is broken, perhaps from some great fall. I hear it fail again and again as I try to tame these Christmas songs. I disappoint myself again and again. But maybe I’ll put my voice on my wishlist for Santa. I hope he’s listening.
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