Something new I’ll be doing on this blog is reviewing podcast episodes that specialize in OCD or bipolar disorder. Today I listened to an hour long episode about Hannah, a nurse practitioner and mother of three young children. Hannah says her OCD was primarily harm OCD, which is when somebody worries they have hurt or will hurt another person or themselves. In particular, Hannah suffered from “hit and run OCD” which is when somebody worries they have hit somebody with their car. Usually they worry they don’t remember this but may drive by the site multiple times to make sure there are no dead bodies. Hannah was already seeing a therapist but they weren’t really helping so her sister, who was also a therapist, helped her get an OCD specialist.
She started “values based ERP (exposure and response prevention therapy).” This meant exposure to the things that scared her, like driving. But since it was values-based they would often tie it into something pleasant like going somewhere she wanted to go. ERP is extremely hard and anxiety inducing. It often makes you feel worse before you feel better. Hannah said she had the fear hurting someone or molesting someone with no memory and that she would have to look behind her to make sure people weren’t dead. She described it as “excruciating pain” and said she was unable to be present for her young children. Most people did not know she was suffering. Although she had a great support system, she felt alone because no one she knew had OCD. So she sought out people with OCD and found a support group for moms experiencing OCD. These were people similar to herself, coping with the stress of motherhood, on top of OCD. She was also matched up with a peer mentor. Soon she began volunteering with Postpartum International (women who have just given birth have a higher prevalence of OCD). She educated herself about OCD. One book she recommends is Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts. Another strategy was incorporating mindfulness.
Hannah is a Christian. She says a big part of her OCD was the thought I’m a Christian, I shouldn’t be having these thoughts but now she believes God can see the difference between our mental illness and who we really are. During ERP she even had a spiritual director (which I really want). She has faith God will be with her. She also says it’s okay not to go back to “normal”, what life was like before the diagnosis. Ironically, her greatest fear was that OCD was going to take her away from her children but this fear was what took her from her kids.
One thing Hannah suggests is to advocate for yourself. OCD is one of the most misunderstood disorders even among healthcare professionals. It is agreed that ERP is one of the most effective treatments. Even if it gets worse better it gets better.
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