I first saw bathing suits as a vehicle for being self-conscious when I was ten. I had just sprouted boobs when a kid in my class invited us all to a pool party. My mom got me two new swimsuits for the occasion. I called one “pink” (because it was pink) and “flirty” (because it was a little more daring). On the day of the party, I wore the pink one. Took me a while to work up the courage to wear the flirty one.
I have never worn a bikini. The skimpy strings just wouldn’t hold up even half a boob. I’m not bragging about my size here, I’m simply stating facts. For a while I was comfortable with one pieces. But then I became fixated on my appearance. I started wearing clothes whenever I went swimming. It wasn’t because I was embarrassed by my breasts. Well, yes it was. But instead of being self-conscious about their large size, I was worried they weren’t big enough. As a camp counselor I wore a long shirt over my bathing suit when it was time for swim. Othertimes I just wore a bra and and a shirt.
It was the Fourth of July 2017 when I finally wore a bathing suit at my ex boyfriends pool party. The entire time I felt uncomfortable. I felt like there were a million neon signs pointing at me saying “not good enough”. But it was a start. I gradually became more comfortable with swimsuits (all one pieces). The bathing suit I wear now is blue and it shows some cleavage without being skanky. It does not hide the fact that my breasts are big but then I don’t feel the need to hide that. I don’t I think they look small any more either. They just look like my breasts…..perfect the way they are.
I attended a pool party over the weekend. It was the most comfortable I had ever been in a swimsuit. I was even able to walk around in it, instead of cowering in the water. I know I never will wear a bikini. It won’t fit and I wouldn’t be comfortable in it. But I can still be pretty in a swimsuit. You can be pretty in a swimsuit. In fact you already are.
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