Now this isn’t exactly a list of most frequent emotions but I did try to get it as close as possible. This list is drastically different from two years ago, five years ago or eight years ago. But I think it’s proof that I’m moving in the right direction.
Joy. I will admit I do take joy from small things. Dinner plans, playing werewords with my family and Justin, feeling Justin’s arms around me as I drift off to sleep, waking up and knowing I have an entire day!
Anxiety. Anxiety has always been my predominant negative emotion. I have several anxiety disorder (OCD, GAD, panic disorder) but I’ve kind of wrangled them like unruly cattle. Still it rears its head over any of the others. I worry about if I’m a good person, if my house will burn down, what will happen when my cat passes away (he’s very old and it’s drawing to that time. I’m petrified even though I went through it already with his sister)
Love. I have many wonderful people in my life. This is because a) I cut the negative people out. B) I think God put them there at the exact time I would need them. For example, I believe I met my boyfriend, Justin at the right time. I was in a stable place mentally, not manic or depressed. I wanted a healthy normal relationship, not a one night stand. I was not in the place to stand for any abuse. We met on a dating website. I’m not gonna go and say it was love at first sight but I definitely knew he was special.
Contentment. I feel contentment after I have done something very difficult. In this case, it can be as simple as making a phone call. Other times it is finishing a poem, learning a new piece on the piano or finishing another Lego creation. Or even losing two pounds since last week.
Loneliness. I can spend alot of time alone and not feel lonely. But sometimes when I’m sundowning I feel there is not a soul in the world who relates to me which is dumb because my illnesses are not so uncommon. Trauma is not uncommon at all. But I still feel like I’m floating on a island, far from everybody else.
Curiosity. I think it’s the writer in me. While there are definitely things I could care less about (math) I find a variety of things endlessly interesting: serial killers, pandemics, religion, politics, who is suing who, drugs and what they do.
Depression. I used to get this way more but because of a cocktail of meds I’m managing it nicely. Sometimes it tag teams with anxiety to bring me down. That sucks.
Irritability. I consider myself fairly succesiptible to irritability but my parents beg to differ. Okay, we’ll disagree. I really only get irritable a) on my period b) when I’m manic. Stereotypical bipolar girl. Man, I can get downright nasty when I’m manic. I say mean things and I hate myself the entire time I am talking. It’s really lucky my parents and Justin let it slide and don’t take it personally. I can be a little hard to handle.
Awe. This is meant in terms of religious awe. I see God and “God signs” (also known as miracles, I guess) alot in my life. I think there are many God signs in everybody’s life; they just don’t know how to look for them. I see God through the kindness of other people or when fortune just happens to favor me. Which it does alot.
Gratitude. And with those God signs comes gratitude. I might have some problems but imagine if I had been born in another century. I could have been locked up somewhere sitting in her own waste. I could have been born when there was no medication. I complain alot about the side effects of the medicine I take (God knows its not perfect) but it has enabled me to stay out of the hospital, to do things that I didn’t think would ever be possible, to live a relatively “normal” day to day life. I can travel (within reason), I have held jobs, I have a healthy romantic relationship, I have hobbies. I have a thirst for life. It has a zest for me.
So what are your top ten emotions? Do you have joy? Contentment? Or are depression and anxiety cluttering up the top of your list? Do your best to make sure that doesn’t happen. Have a great weekend.
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