I Miss Missing You Now and Again

“But if we’re too busy counting who we are missing, we lose out on whose standing right in front of us”

I had friends all through high school but it wasn’t until college that I made my first ride or die friends. Names changed to protect the innocent my closest friends were Alice, Jake, Derrick and Victoria. Alice was the first friend I met in college, on the very first day. She poked her head into my room and introduced herself. When it became apparent that something was wrong with the lock on the door of my dorm room she was the only one that could open it. One day I said “When is a door not a door? When its ajar” Alice loved puns and years and years later I love Alice.

Alice lived by me for a while after college. I visited now and then when my dad could drive me. We’d make cookies, get sushi, explore stationary stores, play games. The last time I saw her I visited her in Washington, DC where she is now stationed for work. I was happy to introduce her to my boyfriend and we spent two hours catching each other up.  I want to check in every now and then because I never want to lose that friendship with the person who helped me again and again. Once in college I attacked my body with a pair of scissors. She literally helped stick band aids all over me. Her own band aids too. Finding Dory. Now that’s friendship.

Jake is one of the only friendships I have had in my life that is purely platonic- not romantic or sexual in any way. He was like my brother, fiercely protective of anyone who tried to hurt me, honest with me and easy to talk to. He never tried to take advantage of me in a state of emotional distress. He was one of my  best friends and even though we don’t talk much now (which is a regret) I will be forever grateful for the support he showed me.

Derrick might have been one of my first great loves although it took me a while to realize it. Aside from Jake, he was my closest guy friend except our relationship was sometimes sexual. It went way more than just “friends with benefits though”. When he told me he loved  me, I knew he meant it. We don’t talk at all now and we probably never will.

Finally, Victoria. She was an older girl I met at a party and although we had a sexual relationship I also looked up to her as an older sister. Victoria is forgiving and gracious. She has beautiful eyes and a contagious smile. This fall, I introduced her to Justin and they really liked each other. We don’t talk much but if she ever needs me I’m here.

Now? Now I have a constellation of friends. Each of them is a star and the night looks so beautiful. I feel so blessed to find a variety of people all of them who love me and are rooting for me. In middle school and high school it wasn’t unusual for me to feel undervalued like I was the “extra” or the one people invited to feel polite. Now I know there is a group of people who love me and accept me. And for that I’m beyond grateful.