I am unwilling to name most of my experiences as failures. Did I fail at college? At holding a job? At being a religion teacher? Maybe. Maybe I was just doing the best I could with what I had. There’s a point where we say “I can’t push myself harder than this”. College almost killed me. At least it brought me to a very dark place and I never want to go back.
Five times I “failed” or at least by conventional standards:
- Needing extra medication in the hospital. My last hospitalization was probably the most brutal. I was in a dirty, toxic environment with very little nurturing (there were only three nurses who actually seemed to have compassion). I usually fly under the radar in hospital settings. I do what I’m told and most nurses like me. This last time around I kept having mini breakdowns and needing extra medication. I even punched a wall once. They loaded me up with benzos and antipsychotics to placate me.
Leaving my jobs. I never got fired. I was a hard worker and my bosses loved me (even though I couldn’t fold pants). But there was a darker part to all this. I started getting nightmares the nights before my shifts. I also had problems going to work alone. When I worked at the library, my parents would have to stay to see me through my shifts which is embarrassing but it’s the only way I wouldn’t get panic attacks. Eventually I was so miserable I quit each of the jobs I had been so proud of and so good at.
Driving. I used to drive before college. I was actually pretty good. I drove on parkways and highways and I never once came close to having an accident. But when I came home from college my body was very different than it had been. I had tremors and delayed reflexes and my vision was extremely poor. Before college I didn’t need to wear glasses. Afterward I needed to wear them full time. I was on seven - ten medications and these medications advised against “operating heavy machinery” so I decided not to drive anymore. I think we are all safer for it.
I used to be a religion teacher and it might be the most impossible things I’ve ever done. One thing I dislike is that the head of the organization did not respect my boundaries. I told her I did not want to be the only teacher in a classroom and she stuck me in a class with a whole bunch of fourth graders by myself. Being a religion teacher is impossible because there is no way you can threaten a child with discipline. They don’t get grades. There is no “staying after school” Going to the “principals” office is a way to get out of class, not a punishment. Kids push you. They want you to lose your cool. It’s a pressure cooker. I refuse to be part of it.
I regained all the weight I lost. I used to be thin. I had a body I was very proud of and took care of. I ate my full but I never really had much of an appetite. Until the meds. Suddenly I was going back for seconds and thirds. I rapidly started gaining weight which took me by surprise. I didn’t even notice the weight I had gained until I was on a zoom call and I saw how round and puffy my face was. I managed to lose about fifty pounds and looked more like my old self. But then I started putting the weight on again. When I was online dating (before I met Justin) I was the subject of comments like “Why are there two girls in your profile picture?” (some photos were old). The comments stung. I will lose this weight. It is a failure I won’t commit to.
These are some of my “failures”. Of course are they really failures or just incidents when life went not according to plan? I bet you have some too. Feel free to leave some in the comments below.
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