Because I’ve been going to the gym a lot (almost every weekday except that time I fell down the stairs and banged my knees), I’ve been doing a lot of Zumba. And when I’m not doing Zumba, I’m on the treadmill. When I’m on the treadmill I like to listen to a healthy mix of Disney music and rap. My favorite rap artist by far is Eminem/ Marshall Mathers/ the Real Slim Shady. He has come under fire for lyrics that could be considered homophobic or misogynistic and by endorsing Eminem’s music, I want to say that I don’t condone everything he raps about. I don’t think he does either. But I think some of his messages are very powerful and very important. I think he is a landmark case in the history of rap. He hasn’t bent the rules, he has freakin ripped them in half. Here my top Eminem songs for anyone who wants to become more familiar with him. There is a reason he was awarded Best Rapper Alive.
Songs: Mockingbird
“But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream”
Personal Meaning: I listen to this song at night sometimes when I want to cry but can’t, and think how my life turned out very different than I ever planned. I feel loss so acute that I fall apart into my pillow to the melodic rhythm of the song. I never finished college and I probably will never have children which were both dreams of mine. It is hard to say goodnight to a dream. Especially when you know you are putting it to bed permanently.
Song: When I’m Gone
“And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling And I didn't feel a thing, So, baby, don't feel no pain Just smile back”
Personal Meaning: I am in a good place now (relatively) but in the past I’ve been tempted by the allures of suicide and going to a “better place”. But it isn’t my time yet. Not only that but my death would devastate so many people especially my parents. It’s just not worth the pain it would cause. And this song (though that isn’t what it is about exactly) reminds me of that.
Song: Stan
“You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose Sincerely yours, Stan P.S. We should be together, too”
Personal Meaning: I dated a guy who was suicidal and I felt like I had to stay with him so he wouldn’t hurt himself. It’s the kind of emotional blackmail that is demonstrated in this song. Only my ex thankfully didn’t kill me and my unborn child like Stan does at the end of this song.
Song: Not Afraid
“We'll walk this road together, through the storm Whatever weather, cold or warm Just lettin' you know that you're not alone Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road”
Personal Meaning: This song came out in 2010 when I was in eighth grade. Eighth grade was a big year for me. I went from attending public high school to intensive day therapy to being homeschooled. I was bullied mercilessly until I was on the verge of suicide. This song was my freakin anthem. I loved to listen to it while I shot hoops outside or walked around the neighborhood.
Song: Lose Yourself
“You better lose yourself in the music, the moment You own it, you better never let it go You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow This opportunity comes once in a lifetime”
Personal Meaning: This is my “poetry slam” song. Before I get up for an open mic or poetry slam, I like to listen to this song to rev me up. Come to think of it, I listen to it before I do anything difficult whether its an early workout or an audition for a local play. I can’t say it’s it my good luck song but it always gets me going.
Song: Love the Way You Lie
“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Well, that's alright, because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry? Well, that's alright, because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie”
Personal Meaning: It’s no secret I’ve been involved in some dangerous relationships. Most of those guys were potheads or even dealers who got high and would mistreat me. Or they were overcontrolling, telling me what I could and couldn’t wear or go or do. But in the moment I loved them anyway, probably because I didn’t think I was worth very much and their lying and cheating only reinforced that. This song will always remind me of them, even though I left those kind of relationships behind.
Song: No Love
“It's a little too late To say that you're sorry now (yeah) You kicked me when I was down But what you say just don't (hurt me) That's right, it don't (hurt me) And I don't need you (no more) Don't wanna see you (no more)”
Personal Meaning: Another eighth grade song. This was my rage song. When I was furious at my bullies, I would blast this on repeat until I felt like punching walls. Then the wall punching urges would usually go away. I did kick a hole in one once though.
Song: Hallie’s Song (I saved my favorite for last)
“Sometimes I think I'm crazy, I'm crazy, oh, so crazy
Why am I here? Am I just wastin' my time?
But then I see my baby, suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes, oh, no”
Personal Meaning: This is such a perfect song. I have moments where I feel like I’m crazy, where I feel like I’m too broken for this world, too damaged for a relationship. But then something- Justin, my writing, my family- anchors me and brings me back to Earth. And I realize everything will be okay.
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