Trigger Warning: Assault and abuse (I promise I will move on to more positive, cheery themes before Christmas)
About two weeks before my suicide attempt, I met a man who would change my life. I am going to go into as little detail as possible about him because for some reason I still feel I owe him something. I don’t think he was a bad person even though he did some seriously twisted things. His parents for example did not lead the best example. His mother said abusive things about me and he would repeat them to me. I don’t know why he did that. His dad was much kinder but he made comments about my body, particularly my breasts. He also encouraged my ex to cheat on me when he had the chance because I “would never know”.
My ex never hit me. But he violated me sexually as well as manipulated me emotionally. The first time he violated me is too graphic for this blog but I remember being utterly mortified. It didn’t occur to me that maybe he should be the one embarrassed. I was humiliated and I think that might have been the first red flag. The thing is there were a lot of red flags, most of them I won’t go into because many are disturbing. I don’t know why I put up with him except I was not in my right frame of mind. In my mind, I needed him. He was my savior. More to the point, I thought he might be the only one who would settle for such a broken person. He even visited me in the mental hospital.
We stayed together for two years. I spent six months in trauma therapy getting over it. I hope he never reads this because that freaks me out. But I do hope somebody out there can benefit from this and get over even earlier than I did.
Here are some red flags for you singletons out in the dating world:
He says “I love you” too soon. We said it within our first WEEK of knowing each other
His sexual interests go beyond “kinky”. They become dangerous or even illegal
He tries to get you away from your family and friends. I remember we took my ex to Cape Cod twice. Cape Cod is a family reunion. My cousins bring cousins, we bring friends, there is just a giant pool of young adults to play games with, swim with and explore the towns. But my ex was always trying to get me out on my own even though I didn’t often see some my family and I wanted to spend quality time with them.
He doesn’t have any hobbies except you and whatever you do. It seems his life revolves around you. Which some people might think is cute. But it’s an insane amount of pressure to put on someone.
Speaking of pressure, pushing on someone to move out of their house, away from their family. He wanted me to come live with him even though neither of us had a job or any means of earning money. Plus I needed to be close to my doctor (bipolar patients always need to be on medication)
Dictating someone’s movements “I don’t want you going to anymore bars or parties without me”
Guilting someone because they feel happy
ANY sexual activitiy that takes place without consent
Again are all victims brave? Does victim automatically equivicate brave? I find living with the memories some kind of bravery. But the real bravery? Making sure it never happens again.
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