On Friday night, Justin and I went to go and see Inside Out 2. There was some talk of Riley's sense of self, or her self beliefs. Joy (the cheerful emotion) was always trying to improve Riley's sense of self by making her think things like "I'm a good person". It reminded me of some homework my therapist asked me to go five years ago that I don't think I ever did. He wanted me to write down positive affirmations and recite them in the mirror three times a day. My self-esteem was too low to even attempt it. What would I say? "I am so good for picking men who treat me like trash".
Several years later and things are different- at least where it counts. Watching Riley struggle to build her sense of self, kind of inspired me to do the same thing. So here’s my homework from ten years ago done over this weekend.
My Affirmations:
I am loved unconditionally. I don’t know if all kids fear losing their parent's love but I have. Always. Or maybe since I was eleven. That’s when it really kicked in. Even now its hard to believe I could ever be forgiven for some of the stuff I’ve done. Or thought a bout doing.
I am beautiful. With the saggy breasts (my once crowning glory), protruding stomach, glasses and frizzball hair it is sometimes hard to look at myself and see myself the way my mom and my boyfriend see me. But sometimes I’ll catch a glance in the mirror, see my smile or the way my eyes sparkle. And I believe. Yes, I am beautiful
I matter. After years of auditory hallucinations berating telling me I was useless and worthless, it is refreshing to say with deep certainty that I matter. My actions, my thoughts, me. I matter.
I am a good person. My OCD has always painted my character black for misdeeds that never actually occurred. I have what is called ‘moral OCD’. Little things throw me into a tailspin of guilt, even if that only stems from honest mistakes. And I’ve made some questionable decisions at time. But that does not make me a bad person. So I need to remind myself of this once in a while.
I am talented….at writing and so many other things. It is hard to base your worth on a skill or gift. Because if that goes, you have lost everything. That’s why I do not define myself as a writer but a creative being.
I am important. I took this from The Help when the nanny tells her mistress’s daughter “You is kind. You is smart. You is important” so she won’t grow up to be just like her mother.
I am strong. At my sobriety party, a very good friend gave me a bracelet that says “strong af” to remind me how proud she was of eight years of sobriety. I love this bracelet. It is a beautiful reminder of how hard I’ve worked.
I am brave.
I am courageous.
I am protected. In this affirmation, I reference my faith. I believe God is looking out for me to protect me from my “enemies” and from the darkness in myself (OCD and bipolar disorder). I just like that picture where two small children are walking barefoot along a rickety bridge and unbeknownst to them an angel is behind them, her wings spread, keeping them safe. Speaking of which,
I am safe. At the end of the day, in bed with my cat, Scout and my numerous stuffed companions or squeezing in with Justin or his two dogs, the thing I want to feel most is safe.
I will try these mantras 3x a day for the next week and report back to you on what it has been doing for me. In the meantime, I invite you to write your own.
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