This is the last entry in my latest journal:
When I was eleven, I began getting these thoughts that I wanted to kill myself. I also had a fear that I was staring at private parts- the genitals of men and the breasts of women. I worried I would hurt my younger brother. I felt guilt so enormous I’d cry every day until Mom sat me down and told me they were going to get me help. It was hard for me because Dr. ----- had big breasts and I worried I was staring at them. She asked me a bunch of questions like “Do you wash your hands a lot?” and I was like “Uh, no…” Finally, I was officially diagnosed with OCD and put on Zoloft. That didn’t sit well with my stomach so we tried Lexapro. I was thirteen before we discovered the magic medication: Prozac. And I’ve never been off it since, though the stuff has been added. My highest dose was 70, I think. I’m on 40 now.
At first, it never occurred to me to take an interest in my OCD. For a long time, I denied I had it and didn’t tell anyone. Finally, one time Megan (my best friend) made an “That’s so OCD!” comment and I said “Hey, I have OCD” and she said “No, you don’t. OCD means your neat” And we all know I’m not neat. It wasn’t until I started seeing Geoff that I started to see the role OCD played in my life and that it was actually a trauma and handicap for me.
So now OCD and bipolar disorder dance a twisted tango. One of my reliefs is poetry. I was diagnosed with some other things before they were sure I was bipolar. My old therapist diagnosed me with BPD (borderline personality disorder) characterized by strong emotional mood swings and a chronic fear of abandonment. I started having manic episodes with psychosis. Eventually, the diagnosis was switched to bipolar disorder and an entire pharmacy of medication was added.
As I end, this journal I reflect back on 2023 so far and it’s been a challenging year. I barely manage to stay out of the hospital and I’m on more medication than ever (eight). But I have the strength of family, the loyalty of friends, and the love of my boyfriend. I know I’ll be okay.
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