A Good Night's Sleep

When you’re on 9-12 medications at any given moment, sleep becomes rather easy. For example I’m an Seroquel, an antipsychotic but it is also used for sleep. If I am not hopped up on at least three cans of Monster (which I gave up remember?) I will be sound asleep half an hour after I take my medicine. I do not like being dependent on  pills for sleep but for bipolar patients its important to establish a regular sleep routine so we do not become manic (sleeplessness can be a symptom of mania but it can also cause mania). The thing is it can be very hard to wake me up once I’m out. I remember I had been dating a boy about a week and I woke up to him performing a very intimate sexual act on me which we haden’t done when I was awake. I was mortified (I should have been outraged) but he quickly assured me I had consented which I have no memory of doing. Another time I woke up in pain to find he was trying to penetrate me anally without lube. I don’t remember what I said to him. I felt like some girl that had been drugged at a party and taken advantage of while she was passed out. I still feel violated.

Another embarrassing aspect of sleeping so soundly is that occasionally I wet the bed. Toilets feature heavily in my dreams and I have actually trained myself to wake up when I see toilets (I am very proud of this). But occasionally I can’t wake myself up in time and I will wet the bed thinking I am actually peeing in a toilet. Then I wake up and assess the damage. Usually I just have to change my underwear. Rarely I’ll have to strip the bed.

Worse than the enuresis are the dreams. I have very very vivid dreams. I can also lucid dream sometimes. My worst dream occurred on a family vacation. I remember it perfectly although its been two years. I had a dream I was pregnant and did not know who the father was. A family member (and I will never reveal who) raped me as punishment. The worse part is my cousin was feet away as he brutally raped me and I screamed and I screamed and she didn’t hear. When I woke up I was crying and I was convinced I had been so loud I woke the whole house up but everyone was sleeping soundly. Last night I had another dream (not nearly as bad but it also woke me up) about being covered in crickets (I absolutely hate crickets). I have no idea why I bother with sleep anymore. It’s probably the scariest thing I do.