6 Weeds that Choke Relationships

I don’t consider a relationship expert but I do know a lot. For example, I’ve been in this loving relationship for over three years. And before that I was in a lot of short episodes that each taught me a lot. So I do know some things. And here are five things that will strangle your relationship if you don’t get rid of them.

1. Being closeminded. Partners adventure together, and stay close when doing so. When I was dating one guy (and I’m no going to identify any of the guys in the post to protect their privacy) we decided to give polyamory a try when I was manic (polyamory is having more than one partner). It was more like an open relationship because I wasn’t really dating any of these other boys just being intimate with them. But my boyfriend at the time found a girl he really liked talking to and had a connection with which was so painful for me. I could have just sleeping around but my mania was over and I was able to see clearly. This was someone I loved, someone I cherished. I couldn’t share. We talked and we decided we wanted to go back to monogamy. It was a smooth transition and I don’t think he ever talked to her again.

2. Maintaining too close a relationship with an ex boyfriend or crush. I have acknowledged that even if you are happy in your relationship and have no intention of ending it some flames never truly die. If you love someone it can one it can be hard to stop loving them (even if you are no longer in love with them). If you are interacting with an ex and are having feelings towards them you need to do several things: 1) minimize as much contact with your ex as possible. There is such a thing as emotional cheating. And it can lead to physical cheating. Even if it doesn’t you are pouring the energy that should go into your relationship into something that should be over. 2) I would also recommend if you are having really strong feelings about someone who is not your partner to take a long hard look at your feelings. Therapists are handy because you know what you say will be kept confidential. 

3. Never talk about your sex life. Some people don’t even look at each other during sex which I’m a little confused about. What’s the point of having an actual person there if you are just going to ignore them? They make toys for that you know. Anyway you’re only going to benefit about talking with your partner about your sexual preferences otherwise your sex life probably will be something you endure and not a pleasurable activity. Sex preferences can be embarrassing or something you are self-conscious about. But if you can’t talk to your partner about it, who can you tell. I was with someone and I thought he was vanilla like yogurt until nine months into the relationship when I finally revealed what I was into and then to  my surprise he confided in me. The sex definitely improved after that.

4. Never talk about your finances 

From the very first date finances are a question. Who is going to pay? Are we going dutch? When couples take a trip together who will shell out money for the hotel? For the restaurants? When the couple moves in together, will they split rent? Or will they do it depending on who earns more money? Some people are uncomfortable talking about money; they’re just raised that way. But if you plan to get serious, you should also plan to talk seriously about such an important issue. 

5. Control everything your partner does. Your partner is not your child. You can’t tell them where to go, what to eat, who to be with, what movies to watch. Instead partners talk to each other about what they are comfortable with. I had a boyfriend tell me “I don’t want you going to any bars or parties without me”. For me this was the final red flag and it was what led me to eventually breaking up with him. It’s cliche but relationships are built on trust- trust your partner won’t stray or make otherwise damaging decisions. If a relationship is healthy you don’t need to control them. And if you have to it’s not a good sign.

6. Never talk about the future

Sometimes people are nervous to bring up the future to their partner because they are worried they will scare them. And sure saying “Let’s move in together” is something you don’t do on the first date. But if an appropriate amount of time goes by you can say those age old words: “What are we?” This talk will pop up several times in the relationship and may even end in marriage. A relationship without a future isn’t much of a relationship if you ask me. So if you don’t pay attention you might end up in a dead end relationship. And not many people this side of college want that. 

At the end of the day the biggest piece of advice (to quote my boyfriend Justin) “Listen to your partner” It applies to every area of a relationship. It kills all the weeds and leaves room for the flowers to grow. Good luck tending your garden. I know I’ll be taking good care of mine.